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Column

Lazy idiots

I just finished perusing some articles about how the Illinois General Assembly has gone for two years, and entering into a third, without approving any kind of annual budget for our once-great state.

A real newspaper columnist would write a scathing column about the ineptitude of these highly-paid people not being able to do one of the most basic and important parts of their job. A job that they still take a paycheck for.

Meanwhile, many of the state’s needed services are falling apart and going away due to their inactivity. A good writer would espouse his views and opinions about this subject, but it just makes me mad. So let me tell you about someone I think is much smarter and more valuable to the human race than anyone “working” in Springfield.

My dog, Norman, is possibly the smartest dog ever. He is the Stephen Hawking of the canine world. He just likes to hide his superior intelligence most of the time.

He is naturally inquisitive. He stares at you and quizzically tilts his head whenever you eat something, wondering when you’re going to drop it. He likes to try to determine what kind of tasty, chewy treats we keep in the cat’s litterbox. He seems to be very curious about crotch and derriere odors. I believe he has kept a Rolodex of everyone’s particular smell. He also spends a great deal of his day wandering around the yard, trying to determine what is on the other side of the grass. Like Einstein searching for answers, he’ll dig up hundreds of linear feet of the aforementioned grass in an attempt to quench his thirst for knowledge. He’s simply brilliant.

The only thing that possibly surpasses Norman’s intelligence is his unquestioned bravery. He has selflessly defended me, my family, and home from several various, possibly terrorist, attacks from the outside world. Like a soldier throwing himself upon a grenade, Norman will tear into anything he deems to be of a questionable nature.

On his terror list, you will find a various assortment of items that most, with an untrained eye, would think are innocent and harmless. The list consists of garden hoses, shoes, American Girl doll accessories, socks, towels, solar lights, hummingbird feeders, eave spouts, wooden trim, vinyl trim, patio furniture seat cushions, patio furniture, welcome mats, watering cans, dog toys, things that look a little like dog toys but are not dog toys, frisbees, bushes, shrubs, small trees, larger trees, really big trees, potted plants, plants in hanging baskets, ground plants, etc. … The list goes on and on and on. And on. And possibly on some more.

His new thing is to run a fine-tooth comb through any kind of cardboard packaging dropped off by anyone working for FedEx, UPS or the United States Postal Service. Like a bomb squad technician, Norman, without any concern for his own personal safety, will systematically dissect and inspect any and all packages that he can get his paws on.

Just the other day, my wife came home to find an estimated 20-foot-by-50-foot section of our front yard covered in a white, cottony substance. Apparently a package had been dropped off containing several milkweed plants that were to be utilized for attracting Monarch butterfly migrations. He must have really taken his time with this one because it was all over the place. You can never be too careful. He is so brave.

Well, I have to go now. Norman has a check-up at the veterinarian’s office tomorrow, and I’m supposed to take one of his stool samples with me. So I’ll most likely be following him around the farmyard for the next couple of hours with my Ziploc baggie watching his nether regions waiting for him to squat down and do another thing that he’s really good at. I did the same thing two weeks ago. Not once, but twice. (The first sample just wasn’t one of his better efforts.) From that little adventure I learned to always call the vet’s office to make sure you can get an appointment before you spend the day following your dog around waiting for him to take a … sample.

And by the way, Norman thinks that the Illinois General Assembly is a bunch of lazy idiots. I told you he was smart.

You can contact Wallace at gregwallaceink7@gmail.com. You can follow him on his blog at http://gregwallaceink.blogspot.com.

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